When will I learn. Im getting that “tied up” feeling again - with a perfectly fine relationship. I just miss being alone now. I miss being able to paint with just music to accompany me. I miss eating by the PC, I miss going out shopping and getting completely mindless about the time, I miss dancing like stoopid and laughin at how silly I look, I miss staying in the library halls just jumping around one topic to another for as long as I can endure, driving around the island lookin for someplace to explore…and , getting lost..and scaring myself silly..awouuu~~
But back then when I was alone, I was in the opposite mindset, often lost in thoughts on how great it would be to have somebody to share my thoughts, my intimate details, someone who’ll help me see things in a different light, .... Thats what the 80s can do to you.
Is there such thing as a perfect relationship? Soul mate-shmould-mate? Is it always a compromise…does it have to be? Is it plainly simple to see that single-hood is just the perfect state if you are on the free-spirited side of life? What’s so great about marriage anyway? I need enlightenment. I need a vacation… Or I just need to grow up.
Monday, January 24, 2005
Friday, January 21, 2005
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Somethin's burnin'
We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.-- Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead.
I know I have to do it, Its either I dont want to do it or Im too lazy to do it. Either way, I will force myself to rid of haunting pasts, the one that got away, the one that made a terrible mess, the investor who stole my money, her smile..i'd wish Faith would stop haunting me, the things I could have done, the things I have done..that I wish I have not, and all the could haves and the should haves.
Burn bridges to make new ones...I must let go and start anew , I have reinvented myself a million times, I was a geek teen turned punk-turned geek again-turned-anarchist-turned-pious-turned smart-ass banker-turned-merchant-turned-academic-turned web merchant. Now, im just a plain office geek. I am in perfect order right now, well oiled, but somehow I feel chaos is gonna be bangin at my door screaming "Its due!!" ...not that I wanted it to come nor I am subconsciously attracting it, but sometimes I think a little chaos can put things back in a much interesting order - oh what irony.... burning bridges, burning bridges ...and its fallin' down, fallin' down.
I know I have to do it, Its either I dont want to do it or Im too lazy to do it. Either way, I will force myself to rid of haunting pasts, the one that got away, the one that made a terrible mess, the investor who stole my money, her smile..i'd wish Faith would stop haunting me, the things I could have done, the things I have done..that I wish I have not, and all the could haves and the should haves.
Burn bridges to make new ones...I must let go and start anew , I have reinvented myself a million times, I was a geek teen turned punk-turned geek again-turned-anarchist-turned-pious-turned smart-ass banker-turned-merchant-turned-academic-turned web merchant. Now, im just a plain office geek. I am in perfect order right now, well oiled, but somehow I feel chaos is gonna be bangin at my door screaming "Its due!!" ...not that I wanted it to come nor I am subconsciously attracting it, but sometimes I think a little chaos can put things back in a much interesting order - oh what irony.... burning bridges, burning bridges ...and its fallin' down, fallin' down.
Monday, January 03, 2005
The Legend of 2004
The year came in quickly and left just the same. I have a serious problem with time, I see it as just one continuous event, divided into 3 parts: a moment ago, now and the next credit card bill. I would never remember dates but im keen on remembering the details of an event. I used to photograph a collage of all the things that represent the year that was... I would put together things i wear daily (watches, silvers, etc, except undies dummy) things i cant live without, things i love and bought from that year.. it was a very nice and effective way to remember that year for me... now if only I can remember wher I placed those pics.
This year I screwed up in the office big time. I sent a supposed to be anonymous email to the CEO... how big is he? "Asst Chief of Staff" is the first few words on his job title... I expressed my distress blatantly, telling him the system sucks, Management is soo incompetent and I told him to talk with the staff and front people to know the reality of things. It was anonymous but it still was a very professional Jerry Mcguire stint. But as stooopid as I was, the email return address showed my name. Boy was I caught red handed, my boss, who is two levels below the CEO called me in, read the email verbatim on my face... gaspp!!~ wheeeze~~chest tightening~ I was teary eyed and braced for the worse. Well, I did not defend my case and regretted all the stuff i said... I was not fired. I whined, but I also offered solutions, I guess that made the difference.
This year I got my Jap driver's license. It was a real pain. I failed on the first driving test, well, everybody else does. It was Japanese culture at work, precision. I failed because I did not turn my winker on within 30 metres upon approaching a turn... I did it in maybe 12 meters..thats like the length of two cars. Its good at least I nabbed it on the second try. Most foreigners who were taking the test were on their 6th to 9th take. Its still way better compared to the locals who were mandated to attend and finish a 4k worth of driving school. Damn thats 4000 buckos and they still are just student drivers after that. They are being robbed blind, I got my Phil license for $10 , lunch included.
Bush got re-elected..you want wood??, boy that cracked me up and made me like him a bit. His strength of conviction is unparalleled, it makes him. Arafat died, I dont know exactly what it has to do with me, but hes cool too. Che Guevara is not a brand...but everyones got em printed everywhere, Andy Warhol's principle is making sense to me now. Ipod got cheaper, thanks Steve, now youre not as greedy as I thought. Starbucks is everywhere, used to be cool to hang out there, not anymore, when you see families holed in those small tables and chairs you start to wonder... are they selling fries soon? Gadgets keep updating..fast!. My camera was top of the line 8 months ago, now its on sale at half the price...which makes me want to get the latest ones...they've got me!! gakkk!! Im a certified gullible consumer!!
2004 is gone, it doesnt make much difference to me. I started my New Year when I learned how to think, and in my world, New Year's Eve wil be when I close my eyes and never open them again.
This year I screwed up in the office big time. I sent a supposed to be anonymous email to the CEO... how big is he? "Asst Chief of Staff" is the first few words on his job title... I expressed my distress blatantly, telling him the system sucks, Management is soo incompetent and I told him to talk with the staff and front people to know the reality of things. It was anonymous but it still was a very professional Jerry Mcguire stint. But as stooopid as I was, the email return address showed my name. Boy was I caught red handed, my boss, who is two levels below the CEO called me in, read the email verbatim on my face... gaspp!!~ wheeeze~~chest tightening~ I was teary eyed and braced for the worse. Well, I did not defend my case and regretted all the stuff i said... I was not fired. I whined, but I also offered solutions, I guess that made the difference.
This year I got my Jap driver's license. It was a real pain. I failed on the first driving test, well, everybody else does. It was Japanese culture at work, precision. I failed because I did not turn my winker on within 30 metres upon approaching a turn... I did it in maybe 12 meters..thats like the length of two cars. Its good at least I nabbed it on the second try. Most foreigners who were taking the test were on their 6th to 9th take. Its still way better compared to the locals who were mandated to attend and finish a 4k worth of driving school. Damn thats 4000 buckos and they still are just student drivers after that. They are being robbed blind, I got my Phil license for $10 , lunch included.
Bush got re-elected..you want wood??, boy that cracked me up and made me like him a bit. His strength of conviction is unparalleled, it makes him. Arafat died, I dont know exactly what it has to do with me, but hes cool too. Che Guevara is not a brand...but everyones got em printed everywhere, Andy Warhol's principle is making sense to me now. Ipod got cheaper, thanks Steve, now youre not as greedy as I thought. Starbucks is everywhere, used to be cool to hang out there, not anymore, when you see families holed in those small tables and chairs you start to wonder... are they selling fries soon? Gadgets keep updating..fast!. My camera was top of the line 8 months ago, now its on sale at half the price...which makes me want to get the latest ones...they've got me!! gakkk!! Im a certified gullible consumer!!
2004 is gone, it doesnt make much difference to me. I started my New Year when I learned how to think, and in my world, New Year's Eve wil be when I close my eyes and never open them again.
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